


The Uzumaki Naruto Method

by a_gay_poster



Category: Naruto
Genre: Clown-to-Clown Communication, Clown-to-Clown Conversation, Implied Hatake Kakashi/Maito Gai, M/M, Naruto is a Buffoon, Secret Relationship, Shino Erasure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26565100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_gay_poster/pseuds/a_gay_poster
Summary: Gaara's been acting real suspicious lately, hobbling around with bruises and shopping for weird stuff. It's up to his good buddy Naruto to crack the case.Enter: The Uzumaki Naruto Investigation Method!
Relationships: Gaara/Rock Lee
Comments: 32
Kudos: 162





	The Uzumaki Naruto Method

Gaara’s acting weird. 

He wasn’t being weird yesterday, when he arrived in Konoha, dusty from the long trip from Suna. Well, no weirder than Gaara usually is, which, to be fair, is _pretty_ weird. But today he’s … different. 

He isn’t late to the first meeting of the day, for one. Gaara normally rivals only Kakashi-sensei for showing up infuriatingly late to things. But this morning, he’s standing outside the Hokage Tower before Naruto even gets there for guard duty. It’s basically the crack of dawn, and he looks like he’d been standing there for ages. 

His face is all red, too, like he’s coming down with a heatstroke or something. Which doesn’t make sense for so many reasons! First of all, Gaara’s from the _desert,_ and it’s springtime in Konoha, which in any other year would mean he’d spend a bunch of time complaining about the cold and the rain. Secondly, the sun’s barely been up for twenty minutes. Even the grass in the little garden outside the hospital where Sakura-chan eats her lunch is still wet and dewy. And besides _that_ , even if Gaara _is_ sweaty or whatever, Naruto shouldn’t even be able to see it, because he wears that crazy thick Sand Armor everywhere. 

Except he’s _not_ wearing the Sand Armor first thing today. And Naruto’s pretty sure he sees bruises on Gaara’s neck, like somebody tried to choke him out. That’s an absolutely crazy thought, because the last person who cracked the Sand Armor was Bushy Brows back at the chuunin exams when they were all, like, twelve. And Naruto’s _pretty_ sure he would have at least seen the crater from Lee’s weights if they had a redux of that fight. 

He doesn’t get a super good look at the marks, though, because as soon as he walks up and shouts, “Good morning! Didn’t expect to see ya up so early, Mr. Night Owl!” Gaara looks up at him, startled, and snaps the Sand right up over his face. Which, again, is _super odd_ , because Gaara is basically the twitchiest, most hypervigilant guy Naruto knows outside of Sasuke. Nothing ever takes him by surprise. Especially not Naruto, who wasn’t even trying to conceal his presence or sneak up on him or anything; he was literally just walking right up the middle of the street.

And then there’s how Gaara’s walking. He’s been hobbling around all day like an old man with a bad leg. Practically _limping_. And when he takes his seat at the meeting table in Kakashi-sensei’s office (Technically it’s supposed to be Kakashi- _sama_ , these days, but whatever. Sensei’s always gonna be sensei.), he sits down so gingerly, like a cat afraid of getting its paws wet. 

And that actually freaks Naruto out a little, because Gaara isn’t _supposed_ to be able to get hurt. That’s why he has all that sand in that … pumpkin thing. The so-called Ultimate Defense. Which, yeah, is definitely _also_ freaky, because he still calls it ‘Mother’, even though the new gourd is way smaller than the giant one he used to haul around on his back. (How did he carry that thing without giving himself a bunch of busted discs, anyway? Gaara weighs, like, a buck ten soaking wet.) But anyway, there’s no way it’s even the same sand as before, right, so how can it be his mom? And Naruto’s, like, 90% sure that one time he saw Gaara actually _feed_ it, under the bar at Ichiraku Ramen. 

At least it doesn’t stink like rotten blood anymore. 

But that’s not the point. The point is that talking to sand is weird, sure, but it’s pretty normal for Gaara. Limping around with a bunch of bruises _isn’t_.

Naruto’s first thought is assassins. It would have to be some pretty serious, heavy-duty Bingo Book-level dudes to fuck Gaara up that bad, though. And where the hell was Kankuro if that was the case? He’s supposed to be Gaara’s personal guard. And why didn’t Gaara raise the alarm with the rest of Konoha? 

The two nations are at peace now, despite the little remaining skirmishes and occasional bandit raids in the farther flung villages. Suna and Konoha are supposed to be allies! And Gaara _knows_ he has a ton of friends in the Leaf who would basically throw down their lives for him. 

Which might be the problem. Maybe Gaara didn’t say anything about it to Naruto because he’s afraid someone else will get hurt. But if it’s a threat this serious, _someone_ has to help him!

And if he’s not gonna ask for help, well, what are friends for?

Now Naruto just has to figure out who the threat is and take them out without Gaara catching onto him.

* * *

The First Shinobi Rule is … Well, actually, Naruto doesn’t remember the first Shinobi Rule. He definitely failed that test more than once back in the Academy. Not that it was his fault, or anything, because there’s, like, a _lot_ of Shinobi Rules, and all of them are really boring. 

But that doesn’t matter, because the first step in the _Uzumaki Naruto Investigation Method_ is interviewing the witnesses. (And hey, that sounds pretty good, actually. He should talk to Iruka-sensei about that after this is all over. They’d probably put him in the textbook or something!) 

Luckily, getting a jump on Step One isn’t too hard, because Kankuro’s on the same guard detail as Naruto. 

Standing out in the hallway while the Kage have their meetings is probably the most boring job there is, and so totally beneath a ninja of Naruto’s caliber, but Kakashi-sensei keeps saying it’s important that Naruto learn patience. Or whatever. What he wouldn’t give for a little old lady with a missing cat right now. 

At least Kankuro’s not too hard to share a guard shift with. He can be pretty funny when he wants to be, and he’s super laid back. And sometimes, when he’s really bored, he’ll get his puppets out and play with them. They’re not exactly _cute_ —actually, they’re pretty creepy—but they are interesting to watch, and Naruto’s not too big-headed to admit the guy’s pretty talented. He has them do little dances and stuff, acts out little skits; it’s pretty nifty chakra work. 

“Hey Kankuro,” Naruto asks him an hour or so before lunch. His stomach has already started growling, and he’s pretty sure the Kage are going to end up having a working lunch, because Kakashi-sensei was _two hours late_ even though Gaara was on time for once. His excuses have been getting worse in his old age, too. He’s gotta be pushing at least 40, so maybe he’s going senile. He said he was late because he ran into a tortoise with a thorn in its paw. There aren’t even any thorn bushes on the way from Kakashi-sensei’s house to the Hokage Tower. And tortoises _definitely don’t have paws_. “You know Gaara?”

Kankuro adopts a mask of blank indifference. “Who?” 

He’s playing dumb, right? He has to be, unless he got replaced by a shadow clone or a genjutsu or something. Which … might be part of the assassination attempt, actually. Maybe that’s why Kankuro didn’t step in to protect Gaara? Holy shit, Naruto’s about to blow this thing wide open. 

“Gaara! You know! The Kazekage? Your little brother?”

“Never heard of ‘im.” Kankuro smirks. 

Okay, scratch that, Kankuro’s _definitely_ fucking with him. 

Naruto’s lower lip sticks out in a pout. Or something manlier and sexier than that. A pout, but, like, a dignified one. The kind of pout that’s befitting of a Hokage.

He jams his hands in his armpits. “Okay, fine, see if I let you in on my super-secret investigation, then.” 

Kankuro stands upright from where he’s been lounging against the wall. “Whoa, hey, let’s not be hasty! I’m definitely the go-to guy around here for subterfuge and mystery!”

_Got him._

“No, no, it’s fine.” Naruto throws his arms behind his head and whistles. “I’ll just handle this giant, dangerous threat on my own. It’s no big deal.”

“Now listen.” Kankuro starts digging around in the bag of scrolls slung over his shoulder. “I’m the guy for the job. Did I tell you about my new puppets? They’re—” 

“So, what was Gaara up to last night?” Naruto says in his most casual voice.

Kankuro goes still. It’s super difficult to tell what sort of face he’s making under all that paint. He sighs heavily. 

“Man, I try very hard _not_ to think about what my little brother gets up to when he doesn’t come back to the hotel at night, okay? And I’d like to keep it that way.”

So Step One is kind of a bust. 

But that’s okay, because there’s at least one more step to go! Maybe more!

Naruto’s making this up as he goes, but improvisation can be a strategy. He’s pretty sure Gai-sensei said that to him, once, and that guy’s pretty smart, even if he dresses goofy. At least Kakashi-sensei seems to think so. He definitely has him over for a lot of late-night ‘strategy talks’. Sometimes they last all the way ‘til the next morning, even.

* * *

The second step of the Uzumaki Naruto Investigation Method, Naruto decides, is reconnaissance. Which is fancy, professional talk for ‘following people around, all secretive-like’. 

Naruto’s normal outfit isn’t exactly the best suited for stealth work, so he sneaks into the basement laundry during a bathroom break and grabs a chuunin uniform. Whoever ‘Aburame’ is probably won’t miss it, and Naruto’s most of the way certain that he grabbed it from the clean hamper, not the dirty one, so that’s a point in his favor. 

Gaara splits off from Kankuro almost as soon as they’re out the door of the Hokage Tower. He glances around a couple times, but he doesn’t seem to notice he’s being tailed. Oh yeah, everything’s coming up Uzumaki!

The thing is, Gaara just seems to be walking around. He definitely doesn’t _look_ like a guy on the run from a team of highly trained, deadly assassins. He doesn’t even use his Sand Transportation jutsu to get wherever he’s going. He’s just … strolling leisurely through downtown Konoha. 

Maybe that’s part of his strategy, though. Play it cool and casual, throw the assassins off guard. 

Naruto knows a thing or two about ‘cool and casual’, he thinks, as he’s caught peering around the edge of an alleyway by a fishmonger dumping her bag of trash. (Man, do fish heads ever stink!) But he plays it off and pretends he lost a _ryo_ in the garbage, and he’s pretty sure the fish lady doesn’t suspect a thing.

… He’ll have to find a way to make the money up to her, though. She wouldn’t let him turn down the coins she pressed into his hand. 

“You clearly need it more than me,” she said. 

The first place Gaara stops is the butcher shop. Nothing too unusual there, the man likes his salted meats. He leaves with a brown-paper-wrapped package that smells horrible and metallic even at a distance. 

There are a lot of times that Naruto appreciates having the fox’s sense of smell, but walking into a butcher shop isn’t one of them.

Gaara bought gizzards, the butcher tells him, which is one: really gross, and two: pretty typical.

“Do you think more people would buy them if I listed them as the Kazekage’s favorite? Like as a special? They’re not usually big sellers,” the guy says, leaning over the counter eagerly. “Would you like to try some?”

Naruto blanches.

“Uh, no, that’s okay. And I don’t think that would work.” 

As far as Kage go, Gaara’s pretty popular, but even he couldn’t put a glamorous spin on a bunch of … actually, Naruto isn’t sure what gizzards actually are. Chicken guts, maybe? Probably chicken guts.

He makes his excuses and dodges out in just enough time to catch Gaara turning down a side street. 

His next stop is the Yamanaka Flower Shop, and Naruto tries very hard not to be seen through the massive plate glass windows as Gaara walks inside. He ducks behind a display of sunflowers, thinking they’re a pretty good match for his hair color.

“What are you doing?” 

Naruto jumps back. Sai is standing behind him, smiling placidly. He’s holding a watering can and wearing a floppy hat with a pink embroidered flower on it. 

“Dude! You can’t just creep up on people like that!” 

“I can’t? You were doing it.” Sai’s smile droops a little. “Is this … a friendship thing?” 

Naruto watches him for a good thirty seconds to see if he’ll blink. He doesn’t. 

Naruto sighs, “No, Sai, it’s not a friend thing, it’s a _shinobi_ thing. High level S-rank stuff. You wouldn’t understand.”

“I was a member of Root for most of my childhood and adolescence,” Sai reminds him. “Maybe I can be of assistance. I’m assuming this mission isn’t Top Secret, since you’re being so obvious.”

“I’m not being—! Hey!” Naruto scowls at him. “It has to do with Gaara, okay? He’s been acting super weird all day. I’m pretty sure he got in a scuffle with an assassin last night.” 

Sai’s eyes widen just a fraction. “Oh,” he says, “that sounds very serious. What makes you think that?” 

Naruto lays out the evidence for him: the weird sweating, the limp, the bruises. As he goes on, Sai’s eyes get wider and wider.

“I see,” he says at last. He glances over Naruto’s shoulder. At the register, Gaara is paying for a bouquet of red roses. A good choice, Naruto thinks, if you want to trick an assassin into thinking you’re unarmed. The thorns on the roses at Yamanaka are legendarily sharp. Naruto’s seen Ino pin guys to the wall with a handful of carefully thrown blossoms. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” 

Naruto slumps. “See? I knew you wouldn’t get it! There’s a whole mystery here, and you’re just wasting my time!”

Sai’s smile widens. “Oh, there’s certainly a mystery. It’s just not the one you think it is,” he says in that cryptic way of his. It’s infuriating. “But, I’m sure you’ll solve it in due time. Gaara is your close friend, isn’t he?”

“Yeah!” Naruto is _this close_ to tearing his own hair out, and then probably Sai’s for good measure. It would serve him right, for having it be so sleek and shiny. He must spend a lot of money on conditioner. “That’s the whole point! Friends are supposed to look out for each other!” 

Sai hums. “I’m sure he appreciates you … looking out for him. In your own way.”

Naruto has no idea what the hell that’s supposed to mean, but he doesn’t have time to think about it, because Gaara’s stepping through the door and Naruto has to duck behind Sai not to be seen. 

By the time he stands back up from his crouch, Sai delicately prising his fingers off the hem of his crop top like he’s removing a particularly stubborn spot of mold, Gaara’s most of the way down the street. Naruto has to run to catch up. 

There’s a pharmacy at the end of the block with a head of red hair disappearing through its doors, and _that_ is definitely cause for concern. Whoever beat Gaara up must’ve really done a number on him! Naruto’s never known Gaara to even go to the _First Aid tent_ , much less need actual medicine. 

And the girl behind the counter inside won’t _tell him_ what Gaara bought, even though it’s, like, probably a matter of national security at this point. So Naruto has no idea how badly he’s hurt, or where. 

“I can’t tell you that,” the girl says, cheeks red to match her apron. “That’s, um. That’s very private, don’t you think?”

Naruto slams his hands on the counter hard enough that she jumps. He feels pretty bad about it, actually, but he doesn’t have time to stick around, because they’re right on the edge of the shinobi residential district, where the streets get narrow and winding, and he’s at risk of losing Gaara’s trail if he wanders into there. 

Naruto jogs back into the thoroughfare in enough time to see Gaara turn the corner towards the jounin apartment blocks. 

Naruto races to catch up, but when he lurches around the edge of the building, the street is empty. Crap! He lost him!

Then the sound of rushing sand behind Naruto’s head. 

He whirls around in alarm.

“Why have you been following me?” Gaara’s mouth is a flat line, his arms crossed over his chest. It would be more intimidating if his elbows weren’t dangling with shopping bags.

“You knew?” Naruto scratches the back of his neck. “For … uh, for how long?”

“Since we left the Hokage Tower. You aren’t subtle. And your clothes smell like beetle dung.”

Naruto hangs his head. “Damn it, I thought I was getting better at—Well, hey! Since I’ve got you here …” 

Step Three of the Uzumaki Naruto Investigation Method: Interrogation!

“I know what’s going on, Gaara. Don’t try to hide it from me!” Naruto shakes his finger in Gaara’s face, really lays it on thick. “You’ve been acting weird all day, and Kankuro said you didn’t go back to your hotel room last night.”

Gaara is silent for a very long moment. He seems to be thinking something over in great detail. His nostrils flare. He sighs when he finally relents, “I was with Lee.” 

Oh! 

_Ohhh!_

That makes _so much more sense_. Gaara and Lee _do_ spend an awful lot of time together when Gaara’s in town. Naruto’s pretty sure Lee doesn’t sleep for the whole week, just to keep Gaara company while he does his whole lonely insomniac thing. And Lee’s always begging the guy for a sparring session. 

“Bushy Brows? He did that to you? Damn, dude, you need me to rough him up for ya or something?”

“What—? No, don’t ‘rough up’ Lee, I … ah.” Gaara drops his crossed arms. He rubs the bridge of his nose. “Kankuro told me to expect something like this. You should understand, this doesn’t make me a weaker person.”

“No way!” Naruto laughs. Gaara, weak. As if! “I mean, I don’t think I could go a couple rounds with Bushy Brows either!”

“This is … something you’ve thought about.”

“But it’s like I’m always telling the guy, you don’t need to go all out on people like that! It’s okay to hold back once in a while! But he’s always like, ‘Naruto-kun, you do not understand! If one does not use all of one’s strength, how can one know where one has to improve?’” 

His Bushy Brows impression is damn good, if he does say so himself. He even does the wink and the thumbs-up. 

Gaara’s expression has gone very serious. “Lee … does this with other people?”

“Uh, ch-yeah? Like, basically everyone? I mean, Tenten and Neji mostly, obviously, but that’s because they were on a genin team together—”

“I didn’t realize genin teams were … like that. My genin team was my brother and sister, so I …”

“Oh yeah, me an’ Sasuke an’ Sakura used to do it all the time, too! Back in the day, I mean. Sakura-chan’s way too busy with work now, and Sasuke’s off doing—” Naruto makes a vague hand gesture, meant to imply both very important shinobi business and also that he could give less than a rat’s ass about what that bastard is up to. “—whatever.” 

“I see. I knew—or at least, assumed—about Sasuke, but … Sakura, too?”

“Hey, don’t count her out just because she’s a girl!” Gaara should really know better. His own sister is internationally renowned for her ferocity in battle. “That’s, like. Whatever that word is she uses. Misanthropy, or whatever. But that’s not the point. I mean, you know Lee!”

Gaara nods once, quickly. “I do.” 

“He’s always doing that kind of stuff. I’m pretty sure that’s, like, _why_ he has friends. If Neji and Tenten aren’t around, he basically grabs whoever. Kiba, Chouji, Sai … Gai-sensei, obviously, although not so much anymore since Gai-sensei’s leg got hurt—”

Gaara’s face has morphed into an open-mouthed expression of dismay. It’s pretty freaky-looking, since Gaara doesn’t usually, like, _emote_ , exactly. 

“—and then his students, of course, though I think he takes it pretty easy on them. They’re still pretty young.”

Gaara lays a hand on Naruto’s arm and grips him suddenly, tightly. 

“Naruto,” he says. “I think we’re talking about two completely different things.”

“Whaddya mean? The dude’s _obsessed_ with training and sparring!”

“Lee and I were having sex.”

Naruto’s mouth drops open.

“Oh! Shit! I—oh man! And I said about—Gai-sensei, and—shit! He doesn’t—!” Naruto’s hands are waving all over the place now, utterly out of his control. “—and with his little genin! He doesn’t, um, do that with—!”

“I know.” 

“—with, anyone, actually, I don’t think …” Naruto trails off thoughtfully. “You’re the first I’ve heard of.”

Gaara nods. His arms are crossed over his chest again, closed off. “That’s what he said as well.” 

“So, like, congratulations! I think?”

Gaara gives him a very small smile. “Thank you.” 

“Wait, is that why you were so early this morning?” Lee’s apartment is _way_ closer to the Hokage Tower than the hotel where they house visiting ninja and dignitaries. 

Gaara looks down. There’s a miniature sandstorm swirling in the dirt around his feet, but he doesn’t seem upset at all. More … carefree, maybe. Almost _happy_. Huh. That’s new. 

“Yes,” he says, “Lee dropped me off on his way to his morning run. He finds lateness … disrespectful.” 

Aww. That’s kind of cute! Ol’ stick-in-the-mud Gaara changing his habits for his new squeeze. 

Naruto has always been someone who needs to talk through his thought process, and he doesn’t let the fact that he’s standing in the middle of a public street dissuade him now. He narrows his eyes and taps his chin. 

“So the bruises and the funny walk and stuff, you’re not actually hurt?” 

Gaara blinks once. Man, he could go toe-to-toe with Sai in an unnerving staring contest. “Lee is … physically passionate.” 

It takes a moment for that response to slot into place in Naruto’s mind. 

“Whoa!” He throws up both hands like they’ll protect him from what he just heard and the unwanted images now absolutely flooding his brain. “Too much information!” 

Gaara lifts his chin. “You asked.” 

Okay, so maybe that one’s on him.

“And the flowers? Those are for Lee? They’re not, like, secret weapons?” 

Gaara looks down at the bouquet neatly arranged in his shopping bag, wrapped in wax paper and tied with twine. There are little sprigs of baby’s breath between the red blossoms. He looks back up at Naruto with an impenetrable expression. 

“They’re roses.” 

Naruto knows a little something about picking flowers for your special someone, mostly stuff he absorbed through … What’s the word? Osmo-something. Osmotosis? From _absorbing_ the stuff that Sakura whined about having to learn in those special kunoichi classes back at the Academy. 

“Red roses are pretty heavy, man! So this is really serious?” 

Gaara looks down at the roses again. If Naruto didn’t know better, he’d say he looks … almost shy. But Gaara’s _never_ shy. He just says whatever it is he’s thinking, even if it’s something totally off-the-wall weird. Once, at a meeting, he told the Mizukage he was concerned about her village’s fluoride levels because he could sense the minerals in her _teeth_. It’s one of Naruto’s favorite things about the guy, really. 

“I’d say it’s serious, yes.”

“Hey, nice!” Naruto holds out his fist for Gaara to bump. 

Gaara just stares at it for a second before reaching out and grabbing it, like he’s trying to shake Naruto’s hand. He bounces their joined hands twice, then releases, as if he’s some kind of training dummy short-circuiting at a new jutsu and reverting to its default programming. 

Okay, well, fist-bump lessons are gonna have to wait for another day, probably. There’s a lot to unpack there, and Gaara’s bag of nasty meat is kind of starting to stink up the place. 

“And you’re sure there’s no assassins?” Naruto asks, just to make _absolutely sure_ his unparalleled talents aren’t needed here. 

Gaara gives him a puzzled look, like he’s struggling to keep up. Imagine that! Uzumaki Naruto out-thinking the famed genius Kazekage of Sunagakure! Pretty impressive, if he does say so himself. 

“If I had any concerns about an assassination attempt, obviously I would have informed the Hokage. And I wouldn’t be walking around Konoha without a guard detail.” 

“Right.” Naruto nods rapidly. “Okay, okay, okay.” 

So that just leaves one question … 

“So if you’re not hurt, what do you need the medicine for?”

“Medicine?” 

Naruto tilts his chin towards the pharmacy bag hanging from Gaara’s elbow. “Are you sick or something? The lady behind the counter wouldn’t even tell me what you got! Wait—” He claps his hands over his nose. “Is it contagious?”

“Is it—? You asked the _pharmacist_ about my—?” Gaara shakes his head abruptly. “No, Naruto. Medicine isn’t the only thing they sell at the pharmacy.” 

Naruto just gives him a blank look. “It’s not?”

“I was buying prophylactics.”

_Prophy-whats?_

Seeming to realize Naruto is still lost, Gaara continues, “Condoms?”

“Oh!” There’s a beat where Naruto’s mind runs a million miles an hour in ten different directions. “So, like, how does that work?”

Gaara’s eyes widen; he looks like he’s about to pass out or have a panic attack or both. “How does—?”

“Yeah, like, I mean, you … he? … _Neither_ of you guys can get pregnant, right?”

“I should have bought geraniums,” Gaara says under his breath. Whatever _that’s_ supposed to mean. 

Gaara purses his lips. “This is a much longer conversation than I’m prepared to have right now, and one I’m uniquely ill-suited for. I’ll talk to Kakashi about revising the Academy curriculum in the morning. Now, I have to go. I’m late for my date.” 

“Oh, well, don’t keep Bushy Brows waiting on my account!” Naruto throws his hands behind his head with a belly laugh. “Wouldn’t want you to end up in the dog house!” 

Gaara turns, then pauses. “Please keep this between us for now.” He drops his voice. “I’m sure you can imagine the political ramifications if this information fell into the wrong hands.” 

“No need to worry about me!” Naruto gives him a sunny smile and his best wingman thumbs-up. “I’m a master of stealth and discretion!” 

Gaara opens his mouth, looking at if he’s about to say something, but then he closes it again. 

The Sand comes up over him, and he’s gone.

* * *

Being the Kazekage’s personal confidant is a pretty sweet deal, actually. 

Naruto strolls up to the Hokage Tower the next day feeling like a million _ryo_. He solved a huge mystery yesterday! Plus his good buddy is out there, like, sowing his wild oats. … Does it count as sowing oats if it’s two dudes? Naruto actually isn’t sure. But either way, it seems like Gaara’s found someone who cares about him. Which, given the dude’s whole … upbringing situation, is both surprising and really great! And maybe makes Naruto the teensiest, tiniest bit jealous that he hasn’t found it for himself, yet. But if Gaara can find love, then probably just about anyone can. 

“Naruto,” someone greets him in the main lobby, stopping Naruto mid-whistle-and-swagger. The guy’s wearing sunglasses indoors—rude!—and has a vaguely familiar look about him. Of course, Naruto knows pretty much everyone in the village at this point, and the villagers _definitely_ all know who he is, so it should come as no surprise. “You haven’t happened to see anyone with my uniform, have you?” 

Naruto hums. “What’s it look like?” 

“It’s just a standard chuunin uniform, with my nameplate on it. But it’s very important that I find it. Why? Because it has special breeding pouches for my insects on the interior. It went missing from the laundry yesterday.” 

Naruto pats his front and back pockets in the manner of a person searching for something they know they’ve definitely forgotten. He sniffs the air. The guy in the shades has a kind of earthy scent about him, and his collar is pulled up almost all the way over his nose, like even he doesn’t want to smell himself. Ick. 

“Sorry, dude, haven’t seen it! But I’ll keep an eye out for ya. What’d you say your name was, again?”

“Are you _serious?_ My name is—”

“Hey, Gaara!” A familiar head of red hair is just crossing through the doorway, right on time for the day’s meetings (again), so Naruto lets the chuunin’s complaining fade into background noise as he jogs over to greet his friend. 

“Good morning, Naruto.” Gaara inclines his head. He’s faintly glittering, so his Sand Armor must already be on, and most of his face is obscured by the brim of his giant, stupid hat. When Naruto’s Hokage, one of the first things he’s gonna do is change the Kage uniform to be something a little more sleek and modern. They look like a flock of giant white geese flapping and waddling when they all walk up the street together. It’s not cool at all. 

“Sooo, pretty late night, huh?” Naruto wiggles his eyebrows and goes to elbow Gaara in the side. The Sand comes up and gently pushes his hand away. Gaara gives it a scolding look, and it beats a hasty retreat into the gourd at his waist. If sand could express emotions, Naruto thinks it might look contrite. “Didn’t make it back to the hotel room again?” 

At Gaara’s shoulder, Kankuro groans, rubbing the space between his eyebrows. Naruto wonders how he doesn’t smudge his paint doing that.

“You told _this guy?_ ” Kankuro gestures at Naruto like he’s a particularly troublesome street urchin. 

It’s a familiar motion, and not one Naruto can say doesn’t sting. 

“Naruto is my friend,” Gaara says quietly. 

Naruto puffs up at that. Yeah! They’re friends, so eat it, jerk-face with the cat ears! 

“And I didn’t tell him, he guessed.” 

“I _told_ you that you guys weren’t being discreet enough!” Kankuro hisses. “If your _friend_ here could figure it out, anyone could!” 

That’s probably supposed to be an insult. Towards Gaara or himself, Naruto isn’t sure, but either way it gets his hackles up.

“Hey! What are you tryin’ to say about—”

Gaara raises a silencing hand. “I’ve already made my opinions on the matter very clear,” he says tersely. “And I’m familiar with your objections, Kankuro. Now if there’s nothing further, I have a meeting to get to, and you two have a guard shift scheduled.” 

He walks away with brisk, crisp strides.

Naruto and Kankuro spend the rest of the shift glaring at each other from either side of the hall.

* * *

At the end of the day’s meetings, the last full day of talks before the Kage Summit’s conclusion, all the Kage and their entourages tuck in at a local bar for drinks and food. 

Kakashi-sensei has freed Naruto from duty with a floppy wave of one limp hand and a, “Go, enjoy yourself. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” So Naruto’s posted up in the corner at Gaara and Kankuro’s table. 

Gaara always seems really uncomfortable when it comes to big social situations like this, and he keeps turning down offers of congratulatory drinks. Which is fine by Naruto, since he gets to drink all the leftovers Gaara sets down after just a sniff or a sip. He and Kankuro have racked up similar numbers of empty cups (on Naruto’s side) and beer bottles (on Kankuro’s), and it’s turning into a little bit of a less-than-friendly competition, both of them glowering at each other across the lacquered table between them and swaying in their seats. 

Naruto’s pretty wasted, actually, which means he hardly notices when Gaara stands up from their table suddenly. 

“I need to go,” Gaara announces, eyes on the clock hanging on the shelf behind the bar. It can’t really even be called an announcement; you can barely hear him over the background noise of the bar and A-sama’s off-key singing along to the overhead music. “Please excuse me. I have a … personal engagement I need to attend to.” 

Naruto waggles his eyebrows. Or at least, he thinks he waggles them. The upper half of his face is mostly numb. 

“It’s cool, man, you don’t have to lie to me!” he slurs, aiming for a clandestine whisper. “You c’n tell me yer goin’ to Bushy Brows’ place!” 

Gaara looks hesitantly over his shoulder, checking that there’s nobody else nearby. 

“Fine,” he says, crossing his arms and adopting his familiar deadpan. “I need to leave now, because Lee wants to try something new in the bedroom, and I want to make sure we have enough time for it before I have to leave.”

Kankuro’s forehead hits the tabletop so hard all the cups clatter. 

Naruto claps his hands over his ears and howls. “Augh! That’s not what I meant!” he cries. “Lie to me! Lie to me!”

* * *

The morning of the Kages’ departure finds Naruto standing at Konoha’s front gates. 

It’s only taken Gaara a couple of tries, and now he’s practically mastered the art of the fist bump. Geniuses, man. What can you do?

“I still don’t understand the purpose of bumping fists,” Gaara says sedately. His escort are already halfway up the main road out of Konoha, only Kankuro hanging back with him. “Handshakes already exist, and they suit their purpose just fine.”

“It’s all about being _cool!_ ” Naruto gestures for Gaara to bump his fist again. Gaara complies, though not with much force. “Cool and casual, get it?” 

“Cool and casual,” Gaara repeats, monotone, sounding anything _but_. 

“C’mon squirt, we gotta hit the road.” Kankuro’s tapping his foot impatiently. “We already wasted enough time with your little stunt this morning.”

“Right.” Gaara holds his fist out. His expression is very serious, like when Naruto bumps his fist once again, he’s signing a war pact. “Thank you very much,” he says, “for keeping my confidence.”

“Sure, man! What are friends for?” Naruto puts his hands on his hips and grins. 

Gaara gives him a last brisk nod, then he turns to leave. As he makes his way up the road, he holds his fist out to his brother.

“Dude, don’t you _dare_ try that shit with me.” 

Naruto turns to go back to the Hokage Tower—and whatever drudgery Kakashi-sensei has waiting for him, probably collating or something—when he sees a familiar green jumpsuit lurking in a nearby alleyway. 

“Yo, Bushy Brows!” Naruto shouts, loud enough that Lee jumps a little bit. A trash can lid falls to the pavement with a terrific clatter. 

“Oh, Naruto-kun! Fancy seeing you here!” Lee makes this weird, high-pitched giggling noise that doesn’t sound like himself at all. “I suppose you were just seeing the Kage off.”

“Yeah, man, surprised you didn’t come to say goodbye to Gaara!” 

Lee’s eyes dart back and forth. It’s not a good look on him. His big fish eyes already make him look kind of creepy, and the ‘suspicious and guilty’ look isn’t doing him any favors.

“Ah, Gaara and I said our goodbyes this morning.” He makes that bizarre laughing noise again. “Um, privately.” 

“Ohh, gotcha.” Naruto raises both eyebrows. “Gotta keep it stealthy, I understand. So why’re you sneaking around in the dumpsters?”

Lee’s face colors. It clashes with his jumpsuit. “I … merely wanted to ensure that Gaara made it to the gates safely.” 

“The village is pretty safe nowadays,” Naruto says slowly, not mentioning the fact that just this week he spent most of an afternoon scouring the village for assassins on Gaara’s behalf. “Plus you know he’s, like, stupid strong, right? If anything came up, he’d definitely handle it.” 

“I’m aware of Gaara’s strength. That doesn’t stop me from worrying.” Lee’s little turtle mouth furrows into a straight line. “Listen, Naruto-kun. Gaara told me that the two of you talked, and that you already promised to keep our secret for us, and I appreciate that more than words can say. But he also told me that you might have some … well. Misguided understandings of my own personal proclivities.”

Naruto squints at him. “Your wha—?” 

Lee fists his hands in front of himself. The bandages on his fingers make an obnoxious squeaking noise when he twists them together. “He um … implied. That you might be laboring under the misconception that I have been … celebrating the fullness of my youth with my teammates and friends. Not that there is anything wrong with that!” 

Lee looks up suddenly, waving his hands in a gesture that Naruto’s sure is supposed to convey … something or other. Being totally cool with people boning down with whoever they want, maybe. It’s not exactly Shinobi Sign Language. 

“Each person can of course make his own choices about how he engages his passions, so long as all parties are consenting! It is just that that is not the path I personally have chosen! I am a man who can only dedicate his heart in a single direction! So I wanted to correct that notion, in case you might have mentioned it to anyone else. I don’t want to cause our friends any harm, and I know that being … associated with me, in that way, could be detrimental to a shinobi’s reputation. And I especially don’t want Gaara thinking that I am having _dalliances_ with anyone other than him. He’s very important to me.” 

“Sure, Bushy Brows, whatever you say.” Naruto shrugs. “I’m sure Gaara knows you’re not a slut.” 

“Please don’t use that kind of language!” Lee says sharply. He’s doing something freaky with his eyebrows that makes him look almost as stern as Gai-sensei mid-impassioned speech. “It is most unbecoming of a shinobi!”

“Wait.” Naruto frowns. “You just called him ‘Gaara’. _Just_ Gaara. Whatever happened to ‘Gaara-kun’?” 

Naruto remembers Lee’s teammates berating him for being too casual when talking to the Kazekage before. If they could only hear him now!

Lee fiddles with the zipper of his flak jacket. “Um, well. Gaara has asked me to stop using the honorific with him. He said, since we’re intimate now, that it’s only appropriate. And of course I want to respect the wishes of my most precious person, so—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Naruto puts his hands up. “Most precious person? Does that mean—? I know Gaara said you two were serious, but ...” 

“He—he did?” Lee stammers. 

Naruto ignores him, already miles ahead. He mimes drawing the kanji on Gaara’s forehead in front of his own face. He probably gets it backwards, but he’s sure Lee knows what he means. “You’re already at that level? The _L_ word?” 

Lee’s face goes bright red. “Well, Gaara’s and my relationship is still very new. Our love is young, and—”

“You said it!” Naruto jumps a good half-foot in the air, pointing at Lee with an accusatory finger. “You just said it! Love! You _love_ him!” 

Lee claps both hands over his mouth. You could cook all the fried eggs of Ichiraku’s dinner rush on his face. 

“I—!” he squeaks. “Yes, I do.” 

He drops his hands. He fixes Naruto with a look so intense it’s almost scary. “Naruto-kun, I’m afraid I have yet another huge favor to ask you.”

That sounds serious. “Sure man, shoot.”

“Please do not tell Gaara I said that. I …” Lee looks down, twisting his toe in the dirt. His sandals are gonna end up filthy doing that, and then Gai-sensei’s probably gonna give him a lecture that the whole village will have to listen to. Plus they’ll all have to watch the ensuing challenge, which will no doubt be something _super_ lame and embarrassing. And loud. “I want to tell him myself.” 

Naruto laughs. “Is that all? Don’t worry, Bushy Brows! You can trust in me!” 

He throws an arm around Lee’s shoulder and steers him out of the alleyway. Maybe he can talk him into treating them both to a bowl of ramen for the trouble, before Gai-sensei sees how bad he messed up his uniform squatting in the trash like that. 

“After all, they don’t call me Uzumaki ‘Stealth Master’ Naruto for nothing!” 

“... Who calls you that?”

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt submissions are still open for [GaaLee Bingo](https://gaalee-bingo.tumblr.com)! Please keep sending in prompts. The more, the merrier! Prompts are open until Sept. 30th and bingo cards will go up on Oct. 1st!


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